November 19, 2010

How to Handle Family Friction during the Holidays

For many, the holiday season can be a wonderful time of year. People gather around dinner tables with family and friends to enjoy the festivities, food and fun. But for some families the holiday togetherness leads to friction and even a few family feuds. Here are four suggestions to help you minimize family friction during the holidays.

Disconnect from the drama
If your family is prone to family feuds, consider limiting the time you spend with them this holiday season. If you know a certain conflict is bound to come up, plan ahead. Think about how you will handle it. What will you say or do, if anything? You may need to intentionally disconnect from the emotional commotion to make this year's family interaction as pleasant as possible. Don’t unleash your resentments for past wrongdoings and don’t allow relatives do the same to you. If some family visits are not enjoyable, consider limiting the time you commit to them, and make other plans with family (or friends) you do enjoy. 

Stay out of in-law arguments
Be careful not to get involved in in-law disputes. The holiday gathering is not the time or place to divulge your disdain for your spouse’s mother or your brother’s wife. If you’re asked for advice about an in-law, try to be supportive. And beware; if you do get involved –no matter how good your intentions– you’ll most likely end up being the “bad guy.” Conversely, you could be the focus of an in-law driven family feud. If your spouse or his family comments about you or your family, resist the urge to become defensive. Taking the high road will be worth it in the long run.

Keep the kids out of the conflict
After a separation, divorce or remarriage, many things change, including holiday celebrations with children. There could still be unsettled agreements or lingering resentments involving the kids. Sadly, children are often used as pawns between bickering parents. This damages the spirit of the child and only adds more turmoil to all families involved. Don’t use kids as pawns or players in adult conflicts. And don’t be tempted to manipulate a child’s perspective by giving more presents. Try to keep adult issues between the adults involved, to honor this time of year for the children’s sake.

Make realistic expectations
Many times we look back on the holidays of our youth and yearn for the sense of wonder and joy we felt. Perhaps that sense of wonder is gone from your adult holidays, but that doesn't mean you can't make the most of the experience. Be realistic when you plan for the holidays, and don't let your loved ones' perceived shortcomings ruin your spirit. 

Don’t let the challenges of family friction or feuds turn into crisis this holiday season. If disagreements aren’t resolved by the new year, that doesn't mean it resolution isn't possible. You and your family may need to live with how things are, for now. When tempers cool, reconnect with family members involved in the conflict, and let them know you are willing to come together and resolve the issue. Sometimes professional help, such as counseling, can facilitate family healing.

If you or someone you love needs help, contact Centerstone at 888-291- HELP (4357).

If you are in crisis, call Centerstone’s 24-Hour Crisis Intervention Hotline at 800-681-7444.

About Centerstone
Centerstone, a not-for-profit organization, has provided a wide range of mental health and addiction services to people of all ages for more than 50 years. Through more than 60 facilities and 170 partnership locations across Middle Tennessee, Centerstone serves more than 50,000 children, adolescents, adults and seniors each year. Centerstone is accredited by the Commission on Accreditation of Rehabilitation Facilities (CARF). For more information about Centerstone, please call 888-291-4357 or explore our website: centerstone.org.

Susan GillpatrickAbout Susan Gillpatrick, MEd, LPC, CTS
Susan Gillpatrick, Centerstone Crisis Management Specialist, primarily works in the field with clients in critical incident response situations, and in Centerstone’s wellness trainings and presentations.  She is also responsible for planning and implementing marketing and growth strategies for Centerstone’s Crisis Management Strategies.

Ms. Gillpatrick is a Licensed Professional Counselor, Certified Trauma Specialist, Certified Workplace Conflict Mediator, and Mental Health Service Provider in the state of Tennessee and a National Certified Counselor.  She is also a member the American Counseling Association, the Association of Traumatic Stress Specialists, the Tennessee Mental Health Counseling Association, and the Middle Tennessee Employee Assistance Professionals Association.  She is a frequent presenter at local and national conferences, and has had numerous articles published.  She received her Master of Education degree in Human Development Counseling from Peabody College at Vanderbilt University.

To request Susan Gillpatrick to speak with your group or organization about complete wellness in living, contact her at (615) 460-4445 or susan.gillpatrick@centerstone.org.