Holiday Survival Kit: Stress, Balance & Moments of Peace

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Navigating Holiday Overwhelm: A Self-Assessment Check-in
Welcome to Brain Health Besties, a Human Ford podcast for those of us who want to feel better but don't know where to start.
I'm Bailey, a licensed professional counselor.
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Speaker 2
And I'm NIA, a qualified mental health professional.
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Speaker 3
And I'm Shelby, a human.
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Speaker 2
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Speaker 3
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Speaker 1
In my eyes, I
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Hey besties, welcome to this Learning Together episode.
Today we are focusing on all things winter holidays and the social, emotional and physical overwhelm and Max that can come with that.
1:08
What we hope is to help us build a holiday survival toolkit so we can be in it with each other and together and navigate the holidays with a little bit of grace and understanding for ourselves and for others.
But before we get into the nitty gritty of all of that, let's take a moment to pause and kind of self assess.
1:25
See where we are today that thinking of that zero to five scale or zero.
We're completely calm and at ease, cool as cucumbers all the way up to 5.
Or we're maybe struggling crisis mode.
Take a deep breath in and try to assess where you where we are in this moment.
1:43
Speaker 3
Yeah, I am maybe a 1.51.75.
It's a little higher than I usually am, but it has been it's been a week.
1:54
Speaker 1
Yeah.
1:55
Speaker 2
Yeah, and I think I'm at a one.
I think for me, it's always, it's always fun, you know, being here in the studio and being with with you all in a different way.
And I've got a little something else coming up that I'm kind of excited about.
So I'm I'm kind of focused on keeping, keeping it chill.
That's what I'm.
2:10
Speaker 1
My plan, yeah, Maintaining the chill.
Yeah, Yeah, I am not maintaining chill right now.
I would put myself probably around a three, although it's coming down.
I'm probably closer to like a 2.75 now.
But y'all, if I'm being completely honest and there is just change in every corner of my life and some change I'm most of it's good change.
2:34
I'm in a little I'm, I tend to embrace change.
However, when there is no aspect of my life that's not being touched by change, it can feel really ungrounded and kind of floaty.
And I'm sort of navigating that space of I'm pivoting and changing in all spaces.
2:51
So that's kind of where I'm coming.
I feel like this, this conversation is very timely because I'm going with that mentality into the holiday season and having a plan in place I think will be vital and when it comes to navigating this time of life and navigating the upcoming season.
3:10
So I'm glad to be having it well.
3:11
Speaker 2
Good.
That is kind of why we do that self-assessment here.
It reminds us to actually check in with ourselves and kind of see where we are.
And today, I mean, that's what we're talking about.
We're talking about kind of putting some words to kind of how we're feeling and being able to look forward to different scenarios, maybe so we can have a little bit of a plan.
3:35
We're building a toolkit, but it's not, you know, the heavy one with the hammers and the things in it.
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Speaker 1
It's, you know.
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Speaker 2
It's one that we get to, you know, bend and mold and shape for ourselves and it's easy to take with us.
With some practice, we get to kind of use what we need to try something else.
So this is going to be, it's going to be pretty cool because again, the holidays could have all of it in there.
It can have kind of a messy chaos, but that could be kind of the excitement of it, but also kind of the, I don't know, maybe not excitement about it or the dynamics that come through for the holidays in lots of ways.
4:08
We'll talk about it a little bit later, but it's all of it together.
4:11
Speaker 1
Yeah, and we.
Sorry, Shelby, I was just going to mention I interrupted you twice.
4:17
Acknowledging the Pressure to Feel Joy During Holidays
So sorry.
It's OK, I was going to mention that this is such like a a big topic that we decided to break this out into 4 episodes.
So we'll have this one is pretty much focused on all the external factors that can happen in the holiday season.
And then we'll have a practice that focuses on that.
4:33
And then the next Learning Together episode, episode 30, will be focused on kind of internally how we're showing up for ourselves and giving ourselves grace during this holiday season.
So this is too big of a topic to shove into just two episodes.
So that's kind of where we're going with this too.
4:49
Speaker 3
Yes, Yep.
And today we are saying the things besties, we are saying the things that maybe I feel like I'm the only one that has ever thought that or felt that.
And that's just not generally true.
We know the human experience is pretty parallel to to each other.
5:05
So we're going to say the things out loud and we're going to we're going to talk through it.
That's right.
5:09
Speaker 1
Yeah, I'm ready.
Are you ready?
Ready.
OK.
So when we think about I, I kind of want to think about this holiday season, oftentimes at least I, and I'll speak from my experience, feel this pressure to feel the joy, to have the cheer, to have all the magic.
5:25
And very frequently that is either not what I'm feeling or not only what I'm feeling.
So I'm curious for you all, what do you do or how do you navigate when joy feels far away, when cheer is not happening, when you're really wanting that holiday magic and it's just not coming together?
5:47
Yeah.
5:48
Speaker 3
Y'all, I have been embraced for the holidays since the Berman started and I don't love feeling that way because I love the holidays and I love my family and I love spending time together and all the things that come with the holidays.
But there are so many things that come with the holidays.
6:08
And so I have really intentionally this year been trying to find moments of ease or joy or things that I really enjoy instead of trying new things, which I am a, I am a hobby hopper.
I am always trying new things and starting something new instead of trying new things.
6:26
I'm trying to really lean into the things that I know work that way I'm not disappointed that the new thing didn't work.
And then also all the other stuff is still there.
So I've really been trying to lean into what I know works this year.
6:38
Speaker 1
Yeah, finding joy in those things.
I like that.
6:41
Embracing Complex Emotions with the "Yes, And" Concept
What about you new?
6:42
Speaker 2
Well, I was going to talk back up a little bit maybe, but we always talk about the yes and right and for, for us, the yes and is the idea that like Shelby was saying, it's not always just one thing, right?
6:57
Our emotions come.
They could change every two seconds, every 3 seconds, every hour, whatever it is.
So I think, I think that's part with part of part of it too is that we can have all these different gosh experiences and even looking up, looking forward to the holidays.
7:15
But sure, it comes with a little bit of, I don't know, a little bit of preparation is what you were saying.
So I just want to put that out there too about that, that, yes.
And that we could be excited about the holidays coming, but also a little bit worried about something that might go on.
Yeah.
7:29
Speaker 3
Yeah, and we've touched on the yes and a few times, but there's some scientific research and stuff behind that.
Bailey, do you mind telling us where the yes and comes from?
7:37
Speaker 1
I would love to you know, Mia, anytime you can get me talking about the science like it'll be a.
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Speaker 3
Resident science nerd.
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Speaker 1
That brings me joy in the most.
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Speaker 3
Loving way.
7:46
Speaker 1
I I fully embrace that.
So actually, yes, and comes from dialectical behavioral therapy, which in the therapy world that we call one of our big evidence based practices, which y'all is just fancy language to mean that they've researched a lot and shown that it's effective with particular populations and with regular practice, right.
8:05
But it is this idea kind of like or exactly like Neil was saying, that we are complicated, that we are duplicitous, that we can have multiple experiences at one time.
That I can feel joyful to be celebrating the holidays with my family and completely oversimulated at the exact same time.
8:24
That I can be looking forward to a situation and also feel a little bit anxious about that at the same time or a lot bit anxious.
I can feel like I am so excited about a social engagement.
And then when I get there, I'm like, why did I commit to this?
8:40
Those we are complicated, our world is complicated.
And so I think a lot of times our culturally, we try to boil things down or simplify them.
And the reality is we are, we are far more nuanced than that.
And so are our our experiences.
So that's kind of where that concept of the yes and comes from.
8:57
Unpacking Holiday Guilt and Societal Expectations
And it's really helpful to acknowledge it.
9:01
Speaker 3
Yeah.
And holding that with as little guilt and shame as possible, which is really hard.
And something I'm going to touch on is the guilt in the holiday season is something that I feel personally a lot, whether it's guilt that I should feel more joyful or guilt that I didn't get to this party or guilt that I don't have presents for everybody or whatever it is.
9:24
I feel that guilt a lot.
And I was wondering if that is something you guys have also dealt with?
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Speaker 2
Yeah, I think, I think guilt is probably a huge thing, not only around the holidays, but a huge thing for for people.
Yeah.
And it comes from who knows where it comes from, really.
I mean, it comes from a lot of different areas.
Sometimes it's parents feeling guilt because they, like you were saying, maybe couldn't get the perfect gift or my child didn't like the gift.
9:50
Maybe it is expectations we had for ourselves, planning all these things on time and the perfect thing here and the perfect thing there and getting to this person's house and this person's house and this person's house and you're running late.
And that brings guilt to yourself too.
Sometimes with that guilt, we, we get to support a lot of people, as you both know, through our through staff, through the community, and we ask them some questions about just how, how life is for them.
10:15
And this one really, I would say is one that comes up a lot of the idea of, of them feeling guilty in their lives, them feeling like they are not enough as the people that they are showing up how they are.
So I think this is one that is kind of maybe it's just kind of in the times that we are in.
10:32
So I think, I think guilt is certainly huge.
And I wonder if part of it is kind of kind of thinking back to all the things that that we had or we didn't have have.
And maybe it's, you know, traditions I grew up with.
I'm trying to emulate them the same way for my son.
10:49
And then something happens.
It doesn't work.
Or on the other hand, things I didn't have, maybe I didn't have traditions, but now I'm trying to put them in and it's kind of tricky because I didn't have them anyway.
So how can I know what to do if I didn't have them?
And I'm just trying to trying to trying to do it.
So So yeah, I think, I think guilt does show up a lot.
11:05
And I think, I think to to talk about guilt and to kind of get get through that guilt and work with it.
We have to practice with it, you know, and I think first would be kind of noticing that that we are experiencing it and then being able to kind of figure out what our next step is.
11:18
Speaker 1
Yeah, well, and NIA, thank you so much for whatever the the way you just said that.
And we talked about guilt and shame a lot, but I just had this aha light bulb moment and it kind of links back into Bernie Brown's work on feelings.
And what a lot of what she talks about is disappointment is when our expectations are not met.
11:40
That is often sometimes what kind of perpetrates disappointment for us, right?
And I don't know that this necessarily says in her work, but I'm curious and wondering if guilt is when we are not meeting others expectations.
I feel guilty when I think either I believe other people have expectations or they do have expectations that I'm not meeting, that those are mismatched.
12:05
And I feel disappointment when I have expectations and other people are not meeting those expectations or the situation is not meeting an expectation.
So whatever.
However, you just said that I was like, ah, I think that's the nuance for me.
12:21
And that's, that's really important because there are so many expectations around the holiday season.
There are expectations to show up like in all the places to not miss anything, to have all, like you were saying, all the gifts.
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And sometimes there are internal and external factors that make those expectations impossible.
We maybe we financially cannot get everybody gifts or the perfect gift or a kiddo that thing that they really, really want this holiday season.
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Or maybe we our social calendar is so jam packed that we can't show up or can't show up meaningfully in all those spaces.
And then I'm wondering if that guilt comes from we believe other people have expectations about how we're going to show up and we just can't meet them.
13:09
Yeah, that's what I'm.
13:10
Navigating Parental and Societal Pressures During Holidays
Sorry.
13:11
Speaker 3
Oh, no.
And I was just going to say that's a lot of that societal pressure is almost just baked into our daily lives anymore, whether it's from social media or it's from billboards, like whatever it is that gives you that pressure to create the perfect thing or to do the thing or show up in all the spaces movies.
13:33
It's just, yeah, it's just like baked into our DNA at this point.
And it's hard to hard to slow down enough to kind of not really combat that, but see anything but that.
13:48
Speaker 1
Yeah.
And I think about like, for me as a parent, I think some of the biggest expectations and pressure I put on myself is to create like this magical season for my kiddos.
But I can promise you that magic does not happen when I'm stressed and maxed and snapping at everybody and irritable and on edge.
14:06
That's not magical for me.
That's not a magical for my poor littles or my partner or anybody who is in the 30 feet around me that it's, it can create so much extra stress and overwhelm, which I think it comes from I, I, well, I don't know.
14:24
It comes from a lot of different places, internal expectations, societal expectations, and.
14:30
Speaker 3
We're really going to dive into that internal peace in our next Learning Together episode, and we're really focusing on the external things in this episode.
But I did have another thought.
Sometimes my guilt snowballs into what is more accurately, accurately described as grief, whether it's guilt that I'm not carrying on traditions or the traditions are gone and I was supposed to uphold them or whatever that is.
15:01
I think grief can be really be amplified during the during the holiday season.
15:06
Speaker 2
And grief is again another another huge 1.
You know, that's why we kind of broke up these episodes.
But grief can be for lots of things and have kind of different degrees, right?
Like Shelby, you were just saying sometimes it can kind of come back at the holidays or maybe it's the first time that we're having a certain holiday without a person in our lives.
15:24
That could be a person that's no longer in our lives, but different ways.
It could be a relationship that's injured, right?
That the person's just not showing up.
It could be somebody else that we've lost in other ways as well.
Grief can be for, gosh, maybe it's our own goals we haven't met.
15:40
And here's here, it's the holiday almost at the end of the year.
So or it's grief or over just the, the pains we've had.
We're not in the spot where we thought we're going to be in life.
We again, aren't able to bring the things that we normally bring to this to this dinner.
Or maybe it's that we don't even celebrate this particular holiday, but our family does or our friends do.
15:59
And how do I fit into that?
And, and it's kind of a loss.
So it's just, it's just so big.
16:03
Acknowledging and Navigating Grief During the Holiday Season
Yeah.
And like just to piggyback and even expand off some of the grief points that you made, NIA Yes, we can grieve losses of traditions and people and situations.
If we have have adult children and they have moved out and this is our first holiday without them or we have children who are creating their own traditions and there can be a change in the in that as well.
16:26
That can be a grief and loss process.
And I think the holidays kind of amplify just puts the grief happens all year round, but it kind of puts a microphone to those things and just can make them feel a little more tender, a whole lot more loud.
16:42
Like I think about this several years after my mom died, she she passed in October and that first holiday season was really rough, but it continued to be hard for a long time because it wasn't we, we were missing her dearly as a human being, But also she was the matron of the family.
17:01
She organized everything.
She pulled everybody together.
She was doing so much behind the scenes that don't, I don't think any of us really realized until she wasn't there.
And so it wasn't just grieving her, but it was grieving.
Oh, holidays used to feel this way and they don't because she's not running the show.
17:21
And then it was this weird space of, OK, what traditions do we keep and what do we let go?
And everybody in our family was in different places with that.
It's like this tradition was really important to her, but it doesn't feel the same without her here.
Do we continue that?
Do we do something different?
17:37
And so I think there's also like navigating these external factors, trying to figure out what traditions still work for us, what traditions are no longer working for us.
And then maybe the hardest part, how do we have those conversations with our families and meet the needs of of everybody else too?
17:55
Speaker 2
I think that might be part of the self-care aspect, right?
So how do we get through these tough times or or the holidays or the things that are coming up caring for ourselves.
So maybe that is one of those first steps is to kind of realize what does fit now or gosh, maybe there's new traditions too and new ways to do things.
18:13
So again, giving us that that ourselves that permission and and having some, I guess fortitude do step forward and say, Hey, let's talk about this a little bit.
18:25
Implementing Boundaries and Proactive Planning for Holidays
Yeah.
And that can be really hard.
I mean, setting boundaries of any kind or having difficult conversations with family can be really hard.
And we don't want to negate that by just saying set boundaries and you'll feel better because we sometimes it's hard or you don't want to set the conversation.
18:45
You just, yeah, You just want it to be easy, and sometimes it's not.
18:49
Speaker 1
Well, and I think so this kind of gets into the survival toolkit a little bit here.
I think boundary setting is a very popular concept right now.
And boundary setting can look like a lot of different things.
It can be yes, saying the hard no to a social event that's not going to serve you, but boundaries can also so be how you intentionally plan your time around.
19:11
My partner and I have permission to share this, but he is a person who socially, he loves being around people, but it drains his energy.
And for me, depending on who it is, especially like my close knit people, being around my people actually energizes me.
19:29
It charges my battery.
And it took us a long time to figure out how to navigate that.
And so we've kind of gotten to this place where, yes, he wants to go to the family function or the social party or all all of the different things, but he needs time before and time after.
19:46
He needs prep time, and then he needs time to recover before the next engagement.
And so we try to be really intentional about planning that time so that he gets what he needs, that I get what I need, that our kiddos get what they need.
But that has taken a long time to navigate and figure out.
20:05
And I think sometimes.
There are also situations where saying no isn't truly an option, like without completely just damaging dynamics.
And so how can we say yes and or yes and something different?
20:23
Like maybe we go to the office party, but we have a plan that after an hour, an hour and a half, we have an out and we're going to leave because we know that we'll be at our Max.
Or we have a a situation where we kind of set up pre experience that helps our brains navigate that situation and.
20:44
Speaker 3
It's really just about knowing yourself, right and knowing what you're going to need.
I love my family dearly.
Let me preface that, love my family.
However, they are real loud, especially around the holidays.
There's a lot of us in the small house.
20:59
Everybody's trying to be heard of everybody else.
And I know that that will give me a headache.
It overstimulates me.
I know that so often times about 30 minutes and you'll find my dad and I out on the porch just soaking in a little bit of silence and I know that about myself and so I'm OK stepping outside.
21:22
Things like bringing earplugs or different things to help lower some of that stimulation is also an option.
It's really just about knowing what works for you and practicing that so that you're comfortable continuing to do that during the holidays.
21:37
Speaker 2
And I wonder too, I thinking like thinking ahead, like you said, you said you even bring your, you bring your coat.
You know, I do know you're going to be outside.
So I wonder if there's more that we can think about ahead of time, right?
If there's a certain person that sometimes that conversation just goes a little bit sour or, or, or it's difficult.
21:54
Maybe we have something we can think about to say to be able to kind of let yourself out.
There's always the the excuses you can make, right?
So Shelby got to check on my dad.
22:05
Speaker 3
Got to go check on my dad.
The trash can's getting full.
I'm going to take that out of the dumps.
22:09
Speaker 2
Right, right.
And those aren't lies where that's sometimes people think that's kind of lying.
It's not lies, instead that is feeling that you need that extra time and being able to figure out how to kind of get that for yourself.
22:21
Speaker 1
And to be honest, even that sometimes can feel tricky because like, sometimes our families see that and that we kind of become, we get poked fun of or, oh, yeah, she's probably outside on the porch.
Nobody can find her.
And kind of preparing our brains for that.
22:37
And we're having a wing person that can be like, yeah, she just needs some space to kind of back us up so we're not feeling like the butt of people's jokes or feeling like it's not OK for us to care for our brains.
And I think the biggest thing, and we'll kind of get into how to do that in the next episode.
22:54
But I think the biggest things here are we know that over simulated and stressed brains have a hard time being in that cognitive frontal lobe functioning piece.
It's harder to recall our tools when we are overwhelmed and stressed.
And so going in with a plan to the holiday season, to a particular event, to the gift giving to all of that can help us be as prepared as possible.
23:18
Also knowing that they're going to be things we can't predict, that they're going to fly at us and we'll have to navigate there.
But if we have some kind of plan, it can help.
23:26
Concluding Thoughts and What's Next for Your Journey
Yeah, besties, join us in Episode 30 where we are building our holiday Survival kit, leaning into what works, and figuring out how we're going to make it through the holiday season.
23:37
Speaker 1
Together.
23:38
Speaker 2
Together.
I love that.
23:40
Speaker 1
Take care besties.
If you enjoyed this episode, like and subscribe to Brain Health Besties so you can find us in the future.
23:48
Speaker 2
And since sharing is kind, share us with your besties.
23:52
Speaker 3
If you have mental health or Wellness topics you'd like us to chat about, please reach out to Be Well at livebrightly.org.
23:59
Speaker 2
Until next time, be well besties.